"People inspire you, or they drain you -- pick them wisely."

What a month (almost 2!)!  I'm exhausted!  Being mostly unemployed for the past 9 months has made getting up early quite a challenge!  And this is by far the earliest I've ever woken up for a job!  I'm looking very forward to moving closer to work, the traffic has me getting up at 5:00am!  Eep! 

A few things, I've decided that this blog is MINE and I need to take it back.  I've been kinda holding back and the whole purpose of this is to make me feel better and less stressed, so here we go... a little catch up:

Things that bug me that I've decided to change today:

1)  I've been SO needy with R... I don't feel that bad about it, because him being gone is extremely hard on me and sometimes he needs that reminder or he'll just go about his business without even thinking of how I might feel.  So I don't feel bad voicing my needs, but lately I've been kinda hitting him hard.  I'm not really sure why, maybe I'm just feeling the distance right now.  Anyway, I am going to reel it in... he is a great boyfriend and he doesn't deserve as much as I've been dishing out to him. I love him very much.  He is literally the best person I know.  I can't wait for him to come home... we're going to have the best life.  {inspire}

2)  A.  I quit.  For reals this time; no more chances to be part of my life.  He has no respect for me, so whats the point?  We can't be friends, every conversation revolves around why I'm this and why I'm not that.  So I'm done, I like myself just fine and don't need to be torn down.  You know this doesnt even deserve a number. {drain}

2)  I have had so many invites to things and I've been turning everything down lately.  I don't know what has gotten into me, but I'm such a hermit.  I would like to stop that and just go do it all, get out of the house!  All I seem to do is work and go home.  It's not making for a very thrilling life, and it actually is making time drag and giving me too much time with idle hands.

2a)  This goes along with #2, but I need to start tonight with keeping myself very busy.  I have so many great projects and great things to do, but I seem to just keep putting them off.  I've been using my allergies and the traffic as excuses, but they are not good ones.  No excuses, I've just got to live life!!  I'm just wasting my time away...

3)  Attitude adjustment, immediately, please?  I don't really know what's up with me the past week... but I'm a mess. Anxiety, sadness, anger... sometimes all three at the same time. I can't seem to enjoy anything. I can try and blame it on PMS (TMI?), but I really don't know if thats what it is. My attitude sucks and I can't get out of this ridiculous rut. I'm trying to turn it around; but so far, it is just not happening.  What's scary is, I have been holding back my feelings a lot!  Yet, I've lashed out at everyone I care about... and people I don't care about.  It's just not good.  I don't know what I need to do to snap out of this.

Tonight I am going to try and make it to a Sand Walk; that way I can socialize and get exercise.  If I don't make it, then I will hit the gym.  I think the lack of exercise could have something to do with my attitude problem.  I'm just so unhappy and stressed out.  I can't even express what this distance is doing to me.  I will work through it, but wow, it is just getting harder.  Even though time is ticking away, he'll be home before I know it, its just getting harder.  It doesn't help that it feels like he doesn't have time for me sometimes... I'm being as strong and supportive as I can be; sometimes its just plain hard and I have a hard time dealing.  I am taking my feelings out in other unproductive ways, and that has got to stop. 

So today can be a better day, if I can let go...


*quote by Hans F Hansen -- its a good one, sir.